Trigger warning: miscarriage, depression, post-partum, grief, loss
When you lose a child, it’s hard seeing others pregnant or with their babies. You want to be happy for them, but you have this emptiness that makes it difficult. You can’t help but feel jealous. And then you’re beating yourself up for feeling that way. Sprinkle in the fact that I personally already suffer from anxiety and depression, some days can be insufferable. What did I do wrong? Why me? Why am I like this? Why did I have to have a miscarriage when I’m already fragile to begin with?
Also, no one tells you how physically painful it is.
Not to mention medication. I’ve been on antidepressants since college and was on a stable dosage for many years. When I got pregnant I chose to ween off after consulting my psychiatrist due to the uncertainty of certain medications during pregnancy. So do I go back on them now? What if I want to try again for children, then I have to ween off again? (Anyone who has ever taken antidepressants knows how difficult it is to go on and off medication, and how daunting of a process that is in itself) What if I can’t do it without meds? What if I’m not emotionally stable enough to be a mom? That’s probably a blog for another day.
All of this combined with the fact that everyone who doesn’t know about the pregnancy always asks, when are you having children? And those who knew probably want to ask weren’t you pregnant? Months pass, your due date passes (September 2016) and still no baby. And when you tell people they don’t know what to say. They immediately feel bad for asking and you feel bad that they feel bad. And now everyone feels bad, great! And you are still without your babies.
Is there a time limit on grieving? On sympathy? I’m still sad. I am not over it and I don’t think I ever will be. And I harbor this resentment that I can’t seem to get rid of. I’m hoping that sharing my story will help with the healing process.
Things well-meaning people say to you:
It’s so common, you wouldn’t believe how common it is. (This does not make me feel better)
You shouldn’t announce before 12 weeks (Well I’m so glad I did! I didn’t have to suffer in silence, I had overwhelming support from family and friends.)
You can try again (yes but that won’t replace the two that I lost, let’s not erase them)
Thank you for reading.