Anxious Ramblings Entry #14 – So You’re Still Not Taking Me Seriously? (w/ voice memo)

 

I filed for unemployment insurance benefits earlier this month. I know I wasn’t laid off, but I resigned due to the health issues I was having. I figured it was worth a try. Besides…I do have legit documentation.


Caller:
 Ma’am, I’m calling to verify a few things with your unemployment insurance claim. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Me: Sure.
Caller: You wrote on your claim that you quit work for medical reasons?
Me: Yes.
Caller: Did your doctor tell you to quit?
Me: No, but I was admitted to the hospit…
Caller: Did you tell your supervisor that you were resigning for medical reasons?
Me: No, I told her “personal” reasons…but she knew I was on FMLA
Caller: Was there a way you could’ve extended your FMLA?
Me: I didn’t ask. I feared being penalized or being let go…
Caller: So there was NOTHING you could do to keep your job?
Me: I guess not, no.
Caller: Well, when a decision is made, you or your former job will have the right to appeal our decision.

It’s not like I didn’t ask for help, I requested accommodations. I was really trying. I wanted to keep my job. Is this even worth the fight? I have all of my medical documentation, the sick days I took, the times I went to the hospital. Do you think would go to the hospital just to rack up debt? Do you think I would really put my household under stress because I wanted to quit my job? I didn’t WANT to quit anything. I’m not a quitter. I’m tired of having to prove that I have legit issues. Issue #299

The day after being released from the hospital, my mother and I called around to different psychiatrists to see if anyone had openings. The psychiatrists were either booked until August/September or they weren’t taking new patients. My hospitalization was not enough to get me in earlier, BUT I was able to get in with a psychiatrist who had a cancelation. That was truly a blessing.

Well I thought.

The lady asked me a ton of questions, which I thought was great. I was willing to give her all the information she needed to make this a smooth process. She kept cutting my answers short and I could tell my mother was getting frustrated with her. I just remember being a nervous wreck and wanting to get some help. I hate going to psychiatrists, especially when I realized I’d have to start over with a new one. I really am dreading going back. Issue #387

Boy, was I happy to see her bill show up on my doorstep. A full $200. Did they bill my insurance? Good question. Did I even check to see if she was covered? Even better question…Issue #434.

I haven’t seen my therapist since August 4th. She had to cancel my last appointment and I canceled my Friday appointment this week. I don’t think I want to see her anymore. I feel like our sessions took a turn for the worse when I got out of the hospital. I didn’t receive empathy, I received conviction for not communicating with her that I had gotten to “that point.” She told me that I was telling more to the neurofeedback tech than I was telling her in our sessions, and explained that if something would’ve happened to me, that it would’ve been on her for not knowing since she is my “therapist.”

She was right.

I started looking at her in a different light after our conversation that day. I remember throwing my head back in frustration of my post-hospital visit. She asked me, “What’s that about?” I responded, “I’m just ready to leave now.” I left. I’m super defensive and I don’t really want to go back. Issue #561

My therapist’s office is no longer offering neurofeedback. They’ve got some financial stuff going on over there and had to stop it for a while. I was doing a whole series on my progress, I was hoping my blog would get big over it. The closest neurofeedback center is two hours away. Issue #723

I could try to see another therapist in the same office, but then I would be running away from my problems, right? Issue #884.

Right now, I don’t want to see my therapist. I wish I could avoid seeing my psychiatrist. I’m tired of the trial and error of finding the right medicine. I want to forget about unemployment benefits, they can keep their money. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.

Avoidance Behavior 4101. I think I’ll make an A+ in this class as I did the other ones.

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