Anxious Ramblings Entry #11 – A Letter to My God

Dear God…that is, if you’re not mad at me too?

Our relationship is different. I’m pretty sure we brush past each other everyday. I feel like you’re around. You brush past me as if I’ve been kidnapped and you just discovered that I am walking with my kidnapper. You whisper our secret code, something that would only get my attention, but wouldn’t raise suspicion to anyone else. You miss me, you’re dying to get me back…I’m so close yet so far away. I fade into darkness with my kidnapper (who I will refer to as depression). My head is low, my body aches and I’m so far gone that I’ve lost hope. I didn’t hear you whisper our secret code because I wasn’t listening for it. I decided a while ago that you will probably  never find me. There are too many obstacles and evil sicknesses separating us. The sicknesses and distractions that are separating us are the same demons I stopped trying to fight. You’re hurt because you taught me to fight for my life, fight for what I believe in. I’ve lost site of all of that. All I see is grey.

I stay away from the Christian family I once knew. It’s so easy for them to say things like, “that’s just life, honey,” “pray it away,” or “God will heal you.” All of this is very misleading. I can’t tell you how or why…but it is and it’s discouraging. I’ve adjusted to life with my kidnapper. I hope that you will one day find me, but I’ve lost the energy and I completely lack the faith to seek you. I barely have enough energy to get up in the morning. I’m distracted, and my brain is constantly running a mile a minute. When I get home, I want to rest and do nothing. My body is so exhausted from fighting my kidnapper and his assailants that I just want to sleep.

God, I should’ve let you grab the wheel but now I’m coming to you and asking you to be the spare tire. I’ve lost control, I’ve crashed and I’m trapped. I’m far off the road, off the railing and into the woods. It’s dark here, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way out. I asked for a way out in the past, but I feel like if you really wanted me out of this that you would have pulled me out already. My feelings towards us are confusing. I wish it was that cookie-cutter relationship I once thought it was. I guess me being kidnapped was just a way of exposing my lack of faith in you.


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