I’m constantly feeling the pressure from you. I feel you demand more attention from me, more than I’m able to give. I’m distracted by my aches, pains and brain fog, and when I come home…I only want quiet and to rest. I’ve been neglecting you, which only makes my depressed feelings worse. I sometimes resent you because I hate that you demand so much of my attention. I cannot focus on getting well. What is it that you want from me? You’re a never ending requirement that I can’t fulfill. I often feel like those around me are constantly disappointed because I don’t take care you. I need to get well in order to take care of you; I need to take care of you in order to get well. The never ending sea-saw ride has me suffering from motion sickness. I wish I had a healthier “Me” that could function in my place until I am back well again. A “Me” that can write blogs to advocate for the sick when I’m sick, a “Me” who can satisfy the needs in my workplace, a “Me” for socializing so that none of my friends can see anything wrong, a “Me” who can cook and clean my house and take care of my family, a “Me” who can grocery shop for so that I can work on eating a proper meal. A “Me” who can massage the stiffness out of my shoulders, and run my bubble bath. I’m out of GIVING. I’m the empty vessel and I’m sorry it doesn’t look like it from face value. I’m trying to take care of you, but I can’t even take care of myself right now. I hope you understand. I don’t have the energy to try and prove it to you.
A. L. Pitts
When Your Brain Hurts