Anxious Ramblings Entry #9 – Working With My “Accommodations” (w/ voice memo)

I get nervous at the thought of other people asking about my sudden changes. I wonder if I’m being watched. I should probably always look like I’m working so that they don’t think I’m trying to take advantage. I just don’t think it’s physically okay to be overdoing things ALL-YEAR-AROUND. I’m not superwoman, and I’m not perfect, so I need to just perform to the best of my abilities.

Now I feel like people are looking at me with a “side-eye.” My therapist once said, “I’m not even sure if you’ll be able to enjoy of these accommodations if they are given to you.” I hate to say it…but she is right. I’m spending every second picking apart the questions people are asking me, the statements that are made in response, and analyzing the looks I “think” I am receiving.

I’m already receiving what I’ve seen to be “anxiety-filled emails” coming from my counterpart about what our supervisor meant in the email he sent out about my calendar/schedule change. As bad as I want to say, “please focus on your own calendar and let me live because I’m doing my job pretty well,” I can’t say that. I don’t want to leak the wrong information. I just want space, can I please have space?

I came in and my office the next day and it had been shuffled around. I understand that my counterpart uses my office when I’m gone, but it doesn’t help that I’m already feeling like my space and business is being violated. I just want everyone to back off. 😦

Why am I constantly worrying about people who aren’t paying my bills? They are usually the ones that effect me the most. This a problem that I need to overcome. The only opinion that should matter is my supervisor. Do I get my work done? Yes. The End.

On the bright side, I LOVE my new office. It’s bigger, it’s better, it’s quieter, and my sound machine really blocks out all of the unnecessary nonsense! I definitely feel restored…I don’t feel as rushed…and I really feel supported. I’m so grateful for the changes that have been made, because they could have easily denied all of my requests. I definitely feel a slight increase in job satisfaction already this week. I do not have ANY negative energy on this side, and even if it exists…I can’t hear it! The relocation HAS to be the best change I’ve made so far. My office is right across from the boss man, who’s been super supportive lately. His presence does not make me anxious at all. 🙂

 

When Your Brain Hurts

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