Anxious Ramblings Entry #7 – Perfectionism (w/ voice memo)

Why am I such a perfectionist? I make things harder on myself than other people do.

Instead of being relieved that my accommodations meeting went well (which I will post an update soon) I’m sitting in my office with the lights off and the door closed, crying my eyes out because I’m worried that people are thinking that I don’t do enough. I work so hard to give my job 100% and I’m exhausted, tired of trying to be perfect. It all started with my 11:00am showing up 30 minutes late. My immediate supervisor came strolling down the hall with them, saying they “got lost,” then next thing you know, she’s asking my assistant if she can “work them into” my schedule. My answer would’ve been No. They missed their entire appointment, and my 11:30am is waiting outside. So what does that mean? I was forced to take them during my notes/email/lunch block period. I had just had my accommodations meeting and I’m thinking, “Does she know about the meeting we just had?” I stated I’ve been overwhelmed and bending over backwards so much and my clients are still not satisfied. I’ve exhausted myself, and it’s hard enough for me to put my foot down without feeling guilty. I was able to get 20 minutes to eat my lunch, then took 3 appointments right after that in which I had to hold back the tears and emotions of being misunderstood. They have no idea…and when I told my assistant that I was going to have 45 minute appointments instead of 30 minutes, her response was, “WELL THAT MEANS YOU’RE GOING TO SEE LESS PEOPLE IN A DAY.” I quickly responded with a, “Yes” and she shook her head in disappointment as she walked out of my office. What is 10 appointments versus 9? They didn’t allow me to go down to 8…I should’ve asked for 7 if I wanted 8, but like I said…I will discuss that in my next post.

The assistant made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and that really hurt me because I work SO HARD to try to please everyone, including my supervisors. I go home sick and everyone is mad at me. I have to go home and take care of my husband and people complain to our headquarters. I’m trying to pretend like I have confidence in myself by setting boundaries, but it’s JUST NOT WORKING.

I want to go home. I don’t want to be an adult anymore. I’m tired of being affected by the little things. I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I WANT TO GO HOME.

When Your Brain Hurts


Voice Memo from 4/12/17 5:52pm (WARNING: This content contains explicit language.)

 

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