Here I am…two days before the “official” meeting with my supervisor and our HR department, and I ask myself, “What the heck am I doing?”
I went back and forth on whether I should have my husband come to the meeting as a witness and for support purposes, but my sister talked me out of it. I’m afraid of clamming up, that is what I do when my anxiety convinces me that I have no rights.
I’m afraid of asking for help, I’m afraid of being a disappointment. I worked so hard to prove that I can perform as this level and now I can’t. I’m embarrassed. What if they say no? Then I will have shared all of this personal information with a negative ending result.
To all of you that have been following this story, I began this process in early March. Although it doesn’t seem like I’ve been pursuing the accommodations for long, let me tell you that it was been a long, dreadful, exhausting, life changing month worth of working with clients, emotions, sick days, sicknesses, doctor’s appointments, motorcycle accidents and broken legs (my husband). Normally, I wouldn’t have let any of this interfere with my work, but it has been very hard for me to function while already being burned out. This does not mean that I’m unable to perform my job, this only means that I haven’t been able to give 100%, which in turn… gives me anxiety. I stop eating, I don’t sleep well, I can’t think clearly. I totally neglect myself and my body. I also have to cope with the fact that my meds are being changed every few months until I can find the right ones for me. Sometimes they make me very sleepy, sometimes they give me energy. Sometimes they give me a big appetite, sometimes they make me lose my appetite. It is all a part finding the right ones for your body! I’m just having a hard time feeling confident that I am worthy of accommodations. I need to change my mindset before I have that meeting or I will completely clam up. GUILT is what I feel. If I get accommodated, my load will only be transferred to someone else.
1 day before meeting: I need HELP this is ridiculous. My counterpart continues to back out of helping me and this wasn’t the plan when I began working here. I’m mad because I do not have a moment of rest to myself. I DO NOT REST, I go home and I DO NOT EAT because my body is never at rest. I never have time to take a walk, I never have time to breathe. I don’t have time for anything. The only way to create time time for myself is for me to work 12 hours shifts! This is nearly impossible to achieve. I took an hour of sick leave to go to a dentist appointment at 11:15am today and I didn’t get out until 1:02pm. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT I WOULD BE IN THE DENTIST OFFICE FOR 2 HOURS? I HAVE 6 CAVITIES. 6. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 6 FILLINGS, NUMBING SHOTS, AND METAL IN MY MOUTH. THESE ARE ALL THINGS I HATE. THEN FOR ME TO COME BACK AND HAVE TO RUN OVER ON THE 3 APPOINTMENTS THAT ARE WAITING BACK AT THE OFFICE FOR ME. I WENT OVER ON MY 1PM, I WENT OVER ON MY 1:30PM, I WENT OVER ON MY 2PM. I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO EAT MY LUNCH. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I’M SUFFERING. I NEED TO GO HOME, I NEED TIME TO MYSELF, I NEED TO BREATHE.
NOT TO MENTION, MY HUSBAND WAS IN A REALLY BAD MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT TWO WEEKS AGO AND NOW I CANNOT FOCUS ON GETTING WELL. YAY, MEDICAL BILLS. HE NEEDS MY HELP, HE NEEDS A RIDE TO WORK EVERY MORNING BECAUSE HE CANNOT DRIVE. I NEED TO MAKE SURE HE HAS A LUNCH TO TAKE SINCE HE CANNOT LEAVE HIS WORK. I NEED TO PICK UP WHERE HE IS FALLING SHORT. THERE ARE THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE THAT HE SIMPLY JUST CANNOT DO. I GOT HOME FROM WORK YESTERDAY AND HAD TO TAKE HIM TO HIS EVENING APPOINTMENT, I NEVER GET TO REST. IT’S NOT HIS FAULT, BUT I’M SO TIRED OF BEING A CAREGIVER TO EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT FOR ME!!!!!! I NEED HELP!!!!!!!
I’M WILLING TO CHECK MYSELF INTO THE HOSPITAL IF IT MEANS THAT I WILL GET 72 HOURS TO MYSELF!!!! I’M TIRED OF THE GOSSIPING AROUND ME, I’M TIRED OF THE BICKERING AROUND ME, I’M TIRED OF THE NEGATIVITY AROUND ME, I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE MEDDLING. DON’T PEOPLE REALIZE THAT I’M LITERALLY A WALKING NEGATIVE SYMBOL? I’M TRYING TO GET OUT OF THAT. I’M TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE. EVERYONE NEEDS TO JUST LET ME BREATHE.
I’M SO OVER THE SUFFRAGE. STAY AWAY FROM ME.
AND I’M TIRED OF PLAYING THE VICTIM, I AM A VICTIM OF MYSELF.