Anxious Ramblings Entry #5 – Taking a Toll

My throat is very tight and I am experiencing a sharp pain in my upper back and shoulders. I feel a dull headache fading in and out…I cannot tell if it is from my teeth grinding through the mouth guard I wear at night, or if it is the depression taking a toll on my body. I am supposed to have an easy and relaxing day today, and still I cannot seem to focus on the positive surrounding me. I just want to go home and sleep in my bed for the next couple of days. I wish people did not need me as much. Can I just fade into the background and pretend that I do not exist for a while?

Do you ever feel like you have created an environment for yourself where everyone needs you? My clients need me, my husband needs me, my family needs me, and I need to do all I can to keep them satisfied, yet I refuse to give myself the time of day. I feel like I am full of excuses, I am such a sorry individual. When am I going to get my life together?

Several Hours Later…

My dull headache has turned into a full blown migraine, I cannot believe I let it get this bad. My mother wanted to visit me this evening, but I could not bear letting her see her “little baby” like this. I do not need her to worry about me, I am fine. I only eat a real dinner on the weekends because I do not have enough energy to cook for myself. On the weekends, we buy dinner…and I know that the only reason my husband is not giving me a hard time is because he’d rather see me eating Honeycombs for dinner than have me not eating at all. I have been eating Honeycombs for dinner for the past few months, it is the only thing my stomach can take at the end of the workday. I have tried Lucky Charms, but the simple taste of the marshmallows in the evening will make my stomach turn. Last summer, I would barely eat at all and neither would my husband. We were going through a stressful time then. He has gained some of his appetite back, and I believe eating Honeycombs is an improvement from where I once was.

 

When Your Brain Hurts

  1. The ups and down of anxiety and depression are real. I’m a black male (age 25) facing this struggle each and everyday. There are many people that do not understand the magnitude of this mental hangup that will control your appetite and how you sleep at night. For years I didn’t know the feelings that I was experiencing was anxiety and depressive disorders. I just used to “deal with it” because that’s what everyone always told me to do. “Be a man about it!” It made me feel as if no one understood me. My wife talked to me and started showing me that it was okay to have these issues but I had to take responsibility and get professional help. Anger has also taken a toll on me in many ways as well. I’m glad that I’m finally seeing some progress from where I once was to the person I am today. Everyday is still a struggle but I try to put work into trying to improve my wellbeing.

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  2. Thank you for your input, Jared. So many people are suffering and they fail to realize that they have a problem. We are not our illnesses and we should do our best to not let them overcome us. I know it’s easier said than done, but once you realize you have an issue, the next step will be to learn how to cope so that you can be comfortable for the time being.

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